


It's Too Close to Home and It's Too Near the Bone

by moreculturelesspop



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Always Female Dean Winchester, Baby Death, F/M, Female Dean Winchester, Grief, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, it's really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26240464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moreculturelesspop/pseuds/moreculturelesspop
Summary: A case involving missing children hits Deanna a little harder than usual.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	It's Too Close to Home and It's Too Near the Bone

**Author's Note:**

> It's really sad and angsty. It also deals with the death of children and miscarriages in detail.

The death of a child is always difficult. The cases where children are the victims are especially difficult to deal with. Over the years they learnt how to compartmentalize all the horrors but today Deanna can’t. The ghost hunted down baby’s, spending at eternity looking to replace her own lost child. The case has gotten under Deanna’s skin, so much he wishes she would have stayed at home. The warehouse is filled with skulls of dead baby’s. It’s one of the worst thing Sam has ever seen. So small and fragile, all those parents who never knew the fate of their children. Deanna’s breath hitches and the sight. Normally stoic, he can’t help but notice the pale shade her face has gone.

Then she hears it. Sam probably wouldn’t have noticed the small mewing sound. She is clambering around, searching for the noise. Then she finds it. A tiny baby, cold and blue but alive. She takes off her coat and wraps it around the tiny body. “Hey, hey, I’ve got you,” she coos. She holds the baby tight to her chest and Sam is amazed she so instinctively knows how to hold the baby. She carries the tiny bundle outside whilst Sam checks for other survivors. He finds nothing but skulls but reminiscents of babygrows and pacifiers.

Deanna throws the keys at Sam, one hand clutched around the baby. She climbs in the passenger seat and lays the baby out in her lap. She turns the heating up as high as she can, trying to heat the tiny cold body.

“Are they okay?” he asks, climbing into the driver’s side. She’s tracing patterns over the baby’s nose and cheeks.

“They’re alive, I‘ll take that. Call the sheriff and ask him who reported the most recent missing baby,” she tells him. “Don’t you have the bluest eyes,” she coos. The baby is staring up at his sister in wonder. She picks them up and cuddles the child to his chest, stroking the back of their head. “We’ll get you back to mommy. Sammy, I remember when you were this little,” She finds a blanket in the back seat to wrap them up in. “He’s feeling warmer already.”

“He?”

“Wearing blue. This place doesn’t seem the most advanced in gender stereotyping. But that’s okay, because he looks adorable.” She says the last line in a baby voice he had never heard her use before. Maybe it was being in a relationship that had softened her. It wouldn’t surprise him if she said she was going to retire with Cas, and settle down. They both deserved it.

“I have never seen you like this.”

“Like what?”

“Maternal.”

“Well, I kept you alive, didn’t I?”

“You ever thought of having one? A baby?”

“What am I going to do with a baby. Strap it on my back and try to shoot down demons?” she snorts. 

She carries the baby up the stairs, back home to his parents. Sam can see how difficult it is for her to give the baby back into the arms of his mother.

“Thank you so much, I don’t know how we could ever repay you,” she gushes to them.

“You’re very lucky, he’s gorgeous,” she says. “I have to pick this up,” she says, shaking her phone in the air. Sam says his goodbye to the family, thankful at least one child could make it home to their family. He walks out to find Deanna still on the phone, leaning against the Impala.

“It was like all my nightmares rolled into one,” she says down the phone. “He had the bluest eyes I have ever seen, even bluer than yours,” she was talking to Cas, “You think our son would have had blue eyes?” She wipes a tear from her eyes. She looks and sees Sam stood on the porch. “I gotta go, see you back at the bunker.” She holds her hand out and Sam throws the keys to her.

She is silent on the way home, “You doing okay?” he shouts over Blue Oyster Cult. She shrugs and doesn’t say anything on the way back to the bunker. Cas is waiting by the bunker’s door, at the bottom of the stairs.

“Deanna!” She runs down the stairs and into his arms, her head buried in his shoulder. He wraps his arms around him and holds her for a minute or so.

“Bad day at the office,” she murmurs into his neck. “I’m going to shower and sleep.” She pulls away from him.

“We’ll talk later, okay?” he says, entwining their fingers together. She nods and walks away.

“Some jobs just stick with you. That’s going to be one of them,” Sam says, placing the duffel bag on the table with a thump. “God I need a beer.” Cas follows him to the kitchen and sits down at the table.

“Deanna was very affected by the hunt. I know she would never admit it but it was a lot for her to handle.”

“She was amazing, she found this baby. She heard it and I have no idea how. Maybe it’s a woman thing because she just sensed it,” Sam says, sitting down opposite her.

“I should tell you something, Sam. She won’t be happy with me telling you, but you should know.”

“What happened?”

“We lost a child a few months ago. She had a late miscarriage. Today must have been a difficult reminder.”

“Shit, Cas.”

“When she rang me she sounded so broken. I thought hunting would be good for her, distract her and make her feel like she had a use. You know your sister, she blames herself for the loss although there was nothing either of us could do.”

“Was this at the cabin?” He remembers Deanna complaining of some aches, he presumed she had pulled a muscle or sprained her ankle. She took two weeks out to go to the cabin and recover, he only felt comfortable her going alone because Cas was there.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “We knew it was inevitable but we tried everything to save him. I sensed our son was struggling and she had bled a bit, we visited a hospital and they gave us a 50/50 chance. I knew though, we knew, there was nothing they could do. We drove up to the cabin, put her on bed rest, but she delivered a tiny little boy a few days later.”

“Fuck, you should have called.”

“I needed her to be as calm as to have as little stress as possible. If you were there she would always worry about you. I’ll never forget, I’ve been around a while, but I’ll never forget seeing her deliver that tiny little 19-week old baby. He was beautiful but his lungs never grew. No one’s fault. I know no matter what I say she will always feel guilty, always blame herself.”

“I feel like such an ass. I was asking her if she wanted children and telling her she’d be a good mom.”

“You didn’t know,” he says gently. “She wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet. She barely spoke to me about it. Today, on the phone, was the first time she acknowledged him. It hurts too much for her to process,” Sam runs his hand through his hair, trying to process it himself. “She feels the need to be strong for me.”

“And you Cas. How are you?”

“I am coping,” he smiles gently. It was probably the first time someone had asked him. “Coming back here was hard. It felt very lonely and sad. I wanted to bring him here to bury but Deanna wanted him to rest at the cabin. I hope to visit him again. You know legally he never existed as a person? That hurts, to know when we’re gone there is no evidence he existed,” he buries his head in his hands. “I don’t know how to fix it for her, how to make this better. I just need her to be okay.”

“Cas.” Sam turns around and sees her, wearing nothing but a baggy plaid shirt. Probably the shirt she used to hide her pregnancy from him. All the months he thought she was being hungover and lazy, she was expecting a child. When he thought they were going to the cabin to have dirty sex, she was in pain. Sam doesn’t know what he could say to her, even if she did want to talk. What could you say to someone who lost a child? I'm sorry doesn't seem to cut it. 

“How are you feeling?” Cas asks Deanna.

“I’m going to hit the hay,” she says. She pours herself a glass of water and leans over his shoulder. “Come to bed, we can talk,” she says, before kissing him on the cheek.

“I’ll join you in a minute,” he says. She leaves again and Sam can see the pure love in her eyes. “I would appreciate you don’t speak to her about this until she is ready.” Cas stands up and smooths his pants down.

“Hey Cas,” he says. “If you need anyone to speak to, I’m here.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Another heavy and angsty fic from me. Lyrics from The Smiths.


End file.
